A White Wolf - By: August Christopher (Taken from us in June of 2005)

Note to readers...

The following story is an original work by a lost family member. "The Fort Family" which was given it's original home by August Christopher has worked hard to obtain and format a story which had never been completed. We would like to offer this copy as a tribute to the work of a beloved friend who will be missed dearly.

All text from here on, although formatted to be posted within our family of sites contain original unedited text. It has been copyrighted by August Christopher, and is further protected by the Fort Family Authors Group:

---

 

© Copyright 2002 August Christopher, All Rights Reserved

 

Chapter 1

Good bye…

 

 

It’s useless

I can’t do it… why?

Just can’t, I give up… can’t bear it anymore.

Lost perhaps? How many times could I be lost in the same spot, just over and over… Yes it doesn’t make sense. What a surprise! As if I asked for it…

I tried, God is my witness that I did. God? Isn’t he supposed to be good? Is he? Then why? I didn’t ask for this, I don’t want it and can’t get rid of it.

Yeah it’s like a curse, a double curse, no hold on, now it is a triple… When I thought things where bad they just get worse. Deep shit, should have stayed there! I have to calm down, my mind is flying and I can’t hold it to write, I can’t, I have to.

This doesn’t make sense at all. I have to stop for a while and pull myself together

It’s nine o’clock now and I made my decision, it’s amazing how calm it is now. It will be over soon and I can finally rest, no longer a shame for the family and now that I think of it, they’ll be even happier than me.

I can’t understand why they don’t just let me go if they’re so ashamed of me, I didn’t ask to come back here, I don’t want to be here. Pleaded so many times for them to let me go, even ran away plenty of times just to be caught and brought back. It hurts so much… I can’t even run to daddy, he was thrown in jail because he hid me and the bastard of my father that SOB accused him of kidnapping me and can’t hide in the dump since those houses got leveled. This time I’ll run somewhere he can’t get me, nobody can. No more sessions, no more nasty pastor Sanchez, no more beatings… No, this time it will be over, I’m done…

I can almost embrace this euphoric state. I will finally rest, no more sorrow, loneliness, uncertainty, seclusion, sadness…

I’ll just be free of all… All of it.

If I had the slightest chance of getting back, I would, without even think about it. Just free in the middle of nowhere, just away from this torture, but that has been denied to me. Just a prisoner in my, no in their house, and lock him up so who ever comes to visit them doesn’t get to see the freak…

The dump was better than this… Actually anything would be better…

I’m going to meet some old friends soon, I mean if there is something out there after all. Little Ritchie, Crazy Paul, TJ, Big Charlie, and… I don’t remember all of them, some lasted years, anothers just weeks.

Such irony, to survive all those dangers… Just to end here.

It is just strange that I can smile now, after all this pain, all that I endured and went through, and for what? Just to end up right where I started! It’s stupid, senseless and … oh just forget it! I don’t make sense either, it’s just a few more scars and I’m used to them. Scars I got plenty! After all this time I haven’t figured out that one scar on my groin, that one I don’t remember, the other sixteen have a story to tell, even got a souvenir attached to my right femur, is that what it’s called? What ever! That bullet is the last of my worries right now.

Just back to the dump, I’m trying to remember the name of the street, I can’t. It was a government-housing program, but it was called the dump since that is where everybody ended when they couldn’t make enough to pay rent. There was another name, oh yeah! Redneck Harlem, but that was before we got there, wasn’t much left, most of the houses were boarded and we just needed a place to sleep, preferably dry, those houses were hot like hell in summer and cold…

I wonder if Cory is still alive, he was good, very good. Our last winter together was really good, he found a house with a working heater, he connected the electricity and managed to open the gas valve, we even had hot water and a working stove. I remember that we celebrated Christmas that year, yeah all nine of us had turkey dinner that night.

Cory was a mechanical genius, there wasn’t anything he couldn’t fix, but he was also the king of thieves, a master picking locks, also pockets, less than two minutes to start a car, without the keys of course. We learned a lot from him, but then came April fools day, my turn to get caught.

Fifth floor apartment, or was it sixth? It doesn’t matter, I went in through the fire escape ladder, two days without real food makes anybody desperate. But it was a trap, there was a guy hidden waiting for anybody to enter, without saying a word he proceeded to beat the shit out of me, then ripped my clothes off and raped me, after a second round of beating he threw me out the window, I screamed my lungs out on my way down.

Why couldn’t I die there? It would have spared me so much suffering and pain! I would have not gotten to known daddy, but what was that good for if I was going to loose them anyway!

God, daddy! He is going to burst… I know he will. And Johnny! He knew this would happen, he got it, I saw it when…

I don’t want to go there, my all time low. I tried so hard to forget it, to avoid it, just for it to come back hitting me harder, like that paddle that has the ball attached with a rubber band.

What am I doing here? It’s so hard to focus, it has to be the excitement… That’s crazy, but then I must be… well, depending how do I look at it, at least not normal… Yeah! A weird freak and to top it off, a queer. A damn fairy queer…

Almost forgot, I have to add a freaking darn dog. A white one, every time I’ve been in some woods I can feel him, I can feel his eyes on me, almost like trying to… Thinking of it, he had plenty of chances to get me, I mean if he was a wolf, is he? It can’t be a coincidence. I’ve even seen him in my dreams… I’ve seen his eyes, that cold look, like looking at his next meal. That’s not right… It’s more like a piercing look, like trying to look through me, like he is hunting for my soul…

My soul? Is there really such a thing? Is there anything where I’m heading?

From any living creature in this planet, I should know… With my gift… Yeah right!

A gift, that is what daddy called it! It’s a freaking damn curse, that’s what it is…

My mind races in different directions at the same time, way too many…

I don’t care anymore, a little over two hours to go, I just need to waste the time, can’t wait doing nothing, I’m too excited.

I’, going to win. Yes I will.

I’m done, this time I’ll be gone and there is nothing that SOB can do. Try to get me now…

This makes no sense, but does it have to? As somebody would read this shitty crap. No need to curse, got enough of it already. Like daddy says, curse only when you mean it.

I wish I could say goodbye…

At least one last touch, a kiss… Some things are not to be… No, at least not for me!

How can something that feels so right and good be wrong! If I love somebody, if I really do, sex doesn’t matter, I mean love between two males? No not to mimic a girl or that stuff. I mean pure love! Just being there! That look in Johnny’s eyes speaks a million words and they wouldn’t even be close to the real thing. It’s so hard to put feelings into words.

I am a homosexual as I was told by Dr. Feldman, I asked him if it was a disease, no it is a condition, something left in me because my experiences on the street. Bullshit!

What can I do? Keep your mind away from sex, read the bible, keep yourself busy…

Now I can only laugh at them. And I was so silly to go along with that and really try… I really thought I was wrong!

I hit the bottom hard. I learned how to love almost 3 years ago and I was loved. Now it seems to be only a dream, a nice and wonderful dream lost in the darkness of my everlasting nightmare. Something that was so nice and beautiful is now in shambles, just laying there like a toy broken in pieces, just waiting to hit the garbage can…

I still remember waking in the hospital, in so much pain that I cursed my survival, yeah just another denial, should have died there! Just anonymous and forgotten… Easy, nice and clean, just gone! I just guess that the word easy is not meant for me.

My cries brought a person to my bed, I was terrified at his sight, he was big! Even his hands, his whole body was big and strong, and his face! It was hard and chiseled like a sculpture, cured and aged by the elements, black hair that showed that it had initiated the change to silver. He irradiated like a power, something strange, it made me feel insignificant, like I was a cockroach and he was about to step on me, but those eyes, black and cold like daggers, I knew he could see through me, and that is what he did. I wanted to disappear inside the bed, hide under the mattress, just hide or run away...

But those eyes changed, those daggers disappeared and his eyes became real warm, I’ve never seen that look before, but it made me calm down, I was still nervous but I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me. And then he touched me, his enormous hand stroke my cheek, I jumped at the contact like if I was hit by lightening, a smile grew on his face, it was quite an impression. I mean he was so… cold? No, that’s not it, so frightening, yeah! If I could have run at the moment I’ve done it fast, but I was trapped.

In a split second I realized that it was over, next person to get there would be the police or somebody else, it’s over! My ass gets to spend some time in the detention center, to start that shit all over again…

Couldn’t even see him through my tears, my pain added to my new worries and my doubtful future…

Future! Is there one? I’ll figure that out soon… I’m done here, had enough! I think that there will be something else out there… at least I’ll be free!

It’s so hard for me to stick to one thought! I have to concentrate, I have to be calm. This has to work, it’s my way out and I don’t want to screw it, it has to be perfect.

I can’t risk my chance with them coming into my room, no, into my cell, yeah my prison cell room and catch me passed out, the pills will take some time to do their job. It has to work!

It took so long to gather them, months of mimicking to swallow them just to collect those pills! I got 52 of them now, that should do the job!

What if it doesn’t work?

Another beating? Yeah big deal! As that would be something strange to me!

I’m so used to it that I almost miss my daily dose when I don’t get one, strange… Weird? Yes I am and very, yes very much a weirdo, as bad as they can come… Even with a dog… Or is it a wolf?

Back to daddy’s touch, that first time it was so weird, yeah tell me about weird!

It was so wonderful so nice, that giant with those big hands was so gentle and tender, but there was more, I felt like I was secure, I don’t know and it’s so hard to explain. It felt like he was inside me, like being with me, in my head. I know he saw my… I mean I know he saw…

As always I just made a mess… It’s so easy with daddy or Johnny…

Yeah a strange weirdo, that’s what I am.

Can’t even stick to one thing while writing here, but who cares? Only two people do and they’re gone. Yeah after that thing with Johnny after school they can’t even come close, some kind of order from a judge, if they ever come close or try to contact me by any means they go to jail.

That first time was the most amazing thing ever happened to me, I mean in that hospital bed with a smiling stranger, I was trying to figure out who he was and what he was doing there. And caring for me? Why? Add to that the feeling of his touch. It was a totally new and awesome experience, something so wild to name it in some way, his assurance and his low voice finally made it through my fears, plus those hands caressing me did the rest, I gave in, just surrender myself to that new sensation I had never felt.

If it wasn’t for the two cast I had, one on my left arm and another one on my left leg, I’ve would have jumped on him, my urge to touch him was limited to his hand, but I did try to touch his face, I needed to, and he saw that. He leaned down and kissed my forehead, at that moment I almost exploded, every thing was gone, nothing mattered, as if the whole world got to a stand still. It was us two, as a one, yeah it felt so natural so beautiful, love is all there was, I know it now, but at that moment I didn’t. It was something new, a feeling I never had before and so intense, but at that moment all I wanted was for it to last forever…

I still remember the sensation I had when I went to sleep in my bed, yeah! That was awesome! Got my own room and a bed for myself, the fresh smell of the bed sheets was wonderful and I had a family now, they took me in as if I belonged there with them. Even had two brothers Antonio (Tony) and Mario, they received me as a old friend, as if I’ve lived there all my life and there was momma Olga, with her it was like I was her own son, differences were never considered between us.

But it was about three weeks after, may be four, when I met Johnny. It wasn’t nice but showed his big heart from the first moment. Tony and Mario had some friends staying over, it was Friday night and daddy and momma were out. I needed to take a dump, it’s kind’ a hard to do with two casts on you, I ended up falling off the toilet and making a mess. I was in pain because of the fall but also ashamed about the mess I made, I needed to clean it before anybody could notice, but I couldn’t even get up, then a boy entered the bathroom and I started to cry mostly out of shame. He cleaned me up and the mess I made without saying a word, he just smiled at me. I was worried about my nudity, the smell. I was so ashamed that it almost hurt, but his smile! He just smiles! A warm feeling grew deep inside me, but how? Why would he do this? Standing there, naked in front of somebody I didn’t know, strange, weird? I was fighting my tears with not much success, all I wanted was to run and couldn’t, I just stood there looking at his warm smile. He took his clothes off and started the shower, when he pulled me, I pointed at the two plastic bags that I used to cover my casts, he showered with me, I felt so good! His hands, I mean his touch was like magic, there were so many new sensations and feelings in my life, this boy and his hands were driving me mad, I felt myself on fire.

Not that I was new to sex, did plenty of it, but there were no feelings, it was a business, one way to make money to eat, how many blowjobs? Dicks up my butt? I will never know and never cared, what else could I do? If the price was right I didn’t mind. The idea of having pleasure while doing it never crossed my mind, just so painful sometimes…

But now it’s different, I need him, I just tremble like a leaf in the wind, and yes I fell in love, just having him near me, I still need him and badly, that body, his hands on me, I could never get enough of him but he could not get enough of me either, that made it even.

We would be lost in our passion for hours and hours, only our exhaustion would stop us, there were plenty of times that we would go to sleep in the morning, yeah, dawn would find us usually still immersed in our love, us two joined, being one…

It was the best time of my life, a mom a dad a pair of brothers and a lover, why couldn’t it last? I was so happy that it hurts deep inside when I remember those times, it has been a while since…

I don’t count days anymore, can’t even tell now, my window is boarded. My life is reduced to a bedroom and an attached bathroom, boarded windows and stripped down, not even clothes, a pair of shorts is all I have…

Not even a bed, a sleeping bag is what I use, there is a chair and a desk, some books, notebooks and some pens, I wonder why he hasn’t taken them away… I guess he wants to read anything I write.

I think he’ll have a blast with this tomorrow…

I’m a psycho now! What was that word? Psycho frenetic? I’m supposed to change into something or be someone else, I don’t know. All I know is that I make Dr. Wilson richer every time he sees me, I wonder how he could help me, he doesn’t care at all! I’m just money in his pocket, easy money that is. He did try in the beginning and I trusted him a bit, but what I said there would go right back to the SOB. I realized that fast and in a painful way…

I just heard a howl in the night, I wonder if it could be Wolf. Yeah I know that it isn’t an original name for a white wolf if he is one so to say. But I can feel him now, like he is outside the house, I know he’s there!

Yeah Wolfie, I won’t be around much longer, but I might even stop around on my way out just to see you once more…

Pathetic, I’m talking to imaginary wolfs now! I wonder how many blue-eyed white wolfs could be out there. If there is any!

Just spent some time in dreamland, have been there a lot lately, the only place I can go and dream about what it would be if…

There is not much left once you give up, I can tell…

Less than an hour now, it will be over soon.

But I have to keep writing, every time I start to think or dream it goes wild, way out of control, and my memories are playing tricks on me.

Crying doesn’t help me anymore, I guess I’ve cried myself out, yeah like there are no tears left to spill.

The thing I miss the most besides Johnny’s love is falling asleep on daddie’s lap, once the casts got removed and I could walk again, I would come downstairs and say good night in my undies. Daddy would be in his night robe, I sneaked in his lap and then he would hug me and smile. I felt so safe and secure there, I was in heaven, so nice and warm and his gentle touch, even his smell was so good, I would last about 15 to 20 minutes and be gone for the day. This was Sunday through Thursday, Friday and Saturday I was with Johnny, either him sleeping over or me at his house.

And I remember school; it was so hard and frustrating. How to pick a lock or a pocket wasn’t useful there, but my brothers and Johnny took me under their wing. I cried out of frustration so many times, I also felt guilty of them loosing playtime every day because of me, but our work paid off and in my second year I made it to their level. Now the race was on for who would get the best scores and I grew a passion for books, I guess I’ve always been a dreamer.

But that race for being the best is what got me into this…

It was a science project and Johnny and I decided for the effects that the civilization had on wild life and nature’s ecosystem. It went into extensive detail to describe the way Native Americans related to nature and lived from it without causing mayor damages. We put a lot of time and research into it. Of course we won and we went all the way and got the first place at the state fair. We were so proud and even got our picture in the newspaper. Then it happened…

This ass hole, yes I mean it, he shows up and demands me returned to him, what for?

I will make a man out of you, he said. For me he seems to be one of the Nazis escaped from Germany after the Second World War, yeah the SOB is German.

How I got here? To take this decision?

I knew it when it happened, I’ve just chickened out too many times, but things turned to worse and there is a point where enough is enough.

I just imagine it like the Spanish Inquisition, being tortured for so long, you get to a point where you just go along with them to end it, to be burned on a stick like a witch, but it was the way out. Same here…

Just a way out…

I don’t feel like going further, what’s left there is to painful and I rather avoid it, and knowing that you SOB are going to read this, I rather won’t give you the pleasure you MF, hope your IQ makes it to understand the abbreviations, if not you can suck Pastor Sanchez dick, I know he would love to.

Yeah SOB! You didn’t know of my past, you never bothered, did you? Now you do! Your dear pastor is a fruitcake like me. He loves little tiny dicks, he loves boys, the younger the better, he can use his charm on them. Who would suspect of the respectable pastor? Would you?

I was a whore, got plenty of cum on me, enough for the rest of my life. I know how cum smells and tastes, been there done that…

Just got a foot in my mouth, but whatever…

At 10 years old I could smell cum a mile away in a blizzard, so I know what I’m talking about. I also know the smell of Vaseline, but your pastor prefers the anal lube with strawberry flavor. He even left the tube on his desk a couple of times, just as a hint.

The guy that’s supposed to convince me that being a freaking homo is wrong, just happens to be one, not funny from my point of view. Just so disgusting that it still nauseates me.

Yeah SOB, I’m wrong and you’re right, just do me a favor and rot in hell together…

One of the things that amaze me now is that I’m not angry, it’s just like a peaceful feeling, an ending to this nightmare, more like a relief, just to put a tag on it…

I just read the whole thing, sense? Did I ever make sense? Well just some words from a crazy boy, I thought for a while that it was worth to live and fight for your believes, I have been proven wrong!

The only favor I have to ask right now is to allow me to leave, I won’t bother anyone anymore…

Yeah, fruitcake boy will be gone…

Soon…

Just a thought!

I know you won’t be reading this.

But somehow a good bye has to be there…

I kind’ a need to…

May be just to show that SOB what love is all about!

Love is a feeling that he doesn’t know, I hope he realizes that while rotting in hell with his buddy pastor Sanchez!

I’m not ranting or anything else, it is just funny that all this pain comes from the same source, and having my hand on the handle to the door out is just baffling, almost to the point of maximum overdrive, I WIN, YES I DO AND YOU CAN’’T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT!

Stupid? Might be! But it feels so good. I hope I can see his face tomorrow reading this!

The only thing I wish is that I could say good-bye to the ones I do love…

Momma, your hug and kisses I miss, but your cooking is what I miss the most. It has to be close to December, I can feel the cold and the heat is on. Those memories of past Christmas with you are so wonderful, there has to be a tree in the living room by now. That smell! I remember how good it smelled, that pine scent would drive me almost nuts. But the best smell always came from that kitchen, my mouth waters right now remembering that pasticcio, my brothers and I couldn’t get enough of it! And momma always smiled at me, ‘coss I was always the one that kept asking for more…

I would always guess what momma made for supper before we made it home, but pasticcio would even stop the most amazing game or what ever we were into at the moment… Us four, I mean the four of us, Johnny included, would just run home. Well, the garlic bread played a part too…

Even daddy joked about the magical powers of momma’s cooking… And that’s leaving the cookies out! She never made enough of them! At least not for us…

Her eyes… those big green eyes irradiated love… I fed from them, it was like a sustention for me, I was always starving for it. I would always end up hugging her, it felt so good. Even when we where being punished or grounded…

Well, I’ve never been a saint and my brothers either, we were always in trouble and sometimes it cached up with us. We had to have fun…

I still remember that sometimes when daddy came home he would burst into laughter when momma updated him with our latest mischief or adventure, I could hear him in my room. He would even confabulate with us sometimes, bringing us food when we were sent to sleep with no supper.

Supper, warm food… When was the last time?

Now it’s corn flakes in the morning then peanut butter and jelly in the afternoon…

Yeah! Freaks don’t have the right to warm food.

I’m off track again… almost there…

Let me try once more.

 

DADDY:

In these past months, happiness was replaced by torture, dreams have turned into nightmares and all I hear now are dark voices and feel silent demons, lurking on me.

I feel like a little boy trapped in darkness, forbidden feelings, abundant tears and constant fear. I’m not sure who I am anymore, I tried to be something I wasn’t and could not bear it, going back to what I was before is not possible because there is nothing left. It’s so cold here, so lonely, that emptiness is my only friend now.

Daddy you would glide me away from harm, you would protect me, you would make the sorrow and fears go away. Just by being there, close to me, in your lap I felt so safe.

I wished so hard all this time to go back to that lap! To be safe, to feel loved once more…

To go back to those days of laughter and you guiding my anger, steering my feelings. Reaching in, you could reach so far inside me, to the source of my fears and anger. You nursed me from the inside out, healed my soul with your love, your serenity, the strength and that gentle touch you always had.

Now when nighttime comes, I still reach for you, yes I still try every night… there is a need that’s buried so deep inside me, in a little fragile boy, unsure and lonely, so hurt and angry… just starving for love and your touch.

Yes that naked touch, your fingers tracing patterns on my skin or my hair, your big hands caressing the bareness of my body. Those feelings are what I miss the most of all, there was more than a contact and it was your love what I would feel through your touch…

When I closed my eyes to the darkness of the night, it wasn’t cold or frightening, it was warm and welcoming, just an entrance to a place where I could dream. They were so wonderful, really nice dreams that I used to have, most of them had me in your arms, taking our love to the limit, yes daddy and me being one, consumed in love, infinite love…

Wrong love?

Illegal love?

Forbidden love?

No! This is my love, the way I only can… Totally, I mean all the way! Nothing held back, why would I anyway…

How can there be twisted minds of those that blind themselves, like the ones that tried to blind me, to who I am, to my choice. To my love…

I still remember Johnny’s gentle lips, touching mine… His soft touch against my skin, exploring. And his hands roaming all my body with that tingle, that love I could feel. Showing me what can't be said in words, his touch was so exciting, driving me wild… Burning me with the fire of lust and desire… To be one, to share everything… to be a we… no longer two, just we. Us, just the two of us as a one…

That need to be close, to be one with you will forever be on myself, burned on my soul with the fire of love!

I'm forever lost in our love, the rhythm of our touching bodies, those feelings, the taste of our love, the fire of our passion…

All there is left now is pain, loneliness, echoes of laughter, lost dreams and my need. Yes that need I have to be close to you, to be one with you… To be drawn once more in those blue eyes…

Some things are not meant to be, they are just loans. Like let me show you this, but you can't have it…

The time I spent with you showed me that there is something else, beautiful and pure…

I wish you could see how much those memories are worth to me. It was the board I clung to for survival, to keep sane… I might be pushing it here.

But I can no longer hold on, the pain is too much…

There’s no hope, no ending and it just gets worst…

I broke, I gave in and they kept going, just rubbing my face on the ground…

Isn’t worth going any further.

Soon I’ll be free, I’ll be a free spirit…

Free to roam, to go places, to see you again…

There is one favor I want to ask. I’ll be happy, this nightmare ends tonight, the sorrow and pain will be gone, and so will I.

Please be happy for me, it is the only place I can go! The only way out of here…

I’ll be with you! I’ll stick around. My love is too big to leave…

That need I have to be close to you. To all of you…

The only detail is that I can’t touch you anymore! No more kisses, no more hugs…

It is the price I have to pay.

I guess freedom does not come cheap or easy, but I have to do something… this pain has to go!

I don’t really know what will be there, can’t be worst than this!

It’s time now…

I have to go.

My only wish is that this was a letter, something you would read some day…

Don’t feel bad for me, please don’t.

I’ll be with you!

Next time you go to the park, looking at that stream, that waterfall, I’ll be there with you. My spirit will be there.

And if you ever see a blue eyed white wolf… please smile at him, because it might be me…

Love you all

 

 

After all these years! So many things happened in my life. This was the point where it all started, yeah!

First to find out what I was, or should I say what I am?

My destiny and faith were determined and sealed even before I was born, everything was set and carved in stone. Even tried to kill myself, yes that was me at age 14, almost 15, couple of months shy.

Always thought of keeping a journal, but never carried it out long enough. I got those attempts in front of me. That good-bye letter took me back in time...

When it all started to make sense.

Such irony! What others could only dream about was granted to me. It comes with a curse attached, yeah, the price is high, very high…

As a kid I knew I was different, very different! And all I wanted then was to be normal, just a regular kid, like all the other ones I could see around me. Infancy was hard, as hard as being in a foster system can be, especially when your foster parents are in it for the money they got.

 

 

 

There I was! Finally gave in, tears made it to my eyes again, and the thought of the possibility of this never happened. Still trying to find out if it is a nightmare, if it is real, the pain is and the memories are there. I miss them so much. But there is no reason to wait, let’s get this over with! I’m out of here.

Wait! There are some strange people in the house, I can feel them. My dumb luck! Here I am trying to end my life and somebody breaks in the house.

Before I could react two men walked into my room. I went into panic! Death was here, I mean they were here to kill, it was a job they had to do. I knew that! I could feel it.

A third one entered and I recognized that he was the boss, better clothes, a dark suit and the attitude of a guy that only gives orders, the other two seemed more like workers, like the ones that came to daddy’s shop, strong and hard like daddy is. I realized that my faith, my life was in this man’s hands, I just hoped it would be quick!

“Are you Nicky? Giovanni’s raggazo (kid)?” The boss asked in a cold voice, it took me several seconds before I realized what he was asking and I nodded. That guy’s face changed somehow and smiled, a kind of warmer smile.

“Taken any pills?” How did he know? I was so lost in fear, that all I could manage was to shake my head. “Very good, we made it in time. Listen to me carefully, Carlo will take you to my car, you will stay there and wait for me, is this clear?” I just nodded, what else could I do? One of the other guys grabbed me and took me to a car two bocks away. My fears receded quite a bit, I could feel that this guy meant no harm to me, but I was lost. I sat in that car trembling, no, shaking like a leaf in the wind, it seemed to be forever until I saw them come back. Without a word we took off, this guy smiled at me but didn’t say a word.

We ended at a dinner on the highway, I must have fallen asleep. I remember waking up and feeling strange, different, the fear was gone and I felt a lot stronger, like if I had slept for a week… Another guy showed up, we sat down and had dinner, it was so nice! Warm food at last! Those guys smiled at my appetite and I didn’t care, afterwards I was then taken to a truck and started a never ending journey. My mind was out of control, I didn’t know where I was going to end, but my hopes were up high, that guy asked me if I was Giovanni’s kid! That could only mean that daddy had asked for me and I was going home.

After what seemed to be an eternity I was waken by Enzo, the driver, he tried to make it easy for me, two or may be three days? We talked a lot, but my heart and my mind were somewhere else all the time. As soon as I opened my eyes I knew I was home! And daddy was there! I just ran and jumped on him, clamped myself as if my life depended on it, I was home! I was safe! And I let go, cried my guts out until I passed out.

 

 

I woke up the next day to the smell of breakfast, just to start to cry again, I’m laying in my old bed, yeah in MY room at HOME. It is overwhelming! I dreamed so long for this, to be here, oh and that smell! Oh god! It’s so good but I have to rush to the bathroom first. Once downstairs I realize that there is momma only, she is starting breakfast, what I smelled was the sausages in the oven. Then it hit me, it’s Sunday! I rush into Momma but it doesn’t take long, she had to cook and sent me away to wake up daddy. I used to jump on him to wake him up, but this time I sneak on him and start kissing his face. I know he is awake I can feel him, his love is there and I soak in it, his hands start to roam my body and that old tingle feeling is back! I would spend the rest of my life here if I could.

“Feeling better now?”

“Morning daddy, lot better. I can’t stop crying, I’m so happy. I love you, love you, love you.” I kept going for a while kissing him with each love you until he stopped me.

“We better make it downstairs before momma comes for us, I missed you so much Nicky!”

“Not more than I did.”

“I know, but let’s go, we will talk later, ok?”

“Ok daddy, I love you.” With one last kiss I ran back downstairs and helped momma out. Once daddy came down everything was ready and we started our breakfast. There was small talk especially from momma saying that I had to gain some weight, that I was too thin, daddy joked about me being up so early but I guess my face said it! I was hungry! The first warm breakfast in months! And it was delicious, just as I remembered it! I was too busy devouring those sausages, the potatoes, and that bacon! Both of them had a good laugh when I asked for more.

It’s later on when I was doing the dishes, very willingly I must say! Yeah I was enjoying it right then, I used to hate it before, but right now I was enjoying it! After what I’ve been through, this was nothing! I actually savored the moment, I did promise that I wouldn’t complain about anything if I could come back. I was willing to keep my part of the deal, oh yes, now I knew how much it was worth!

Momma and daddy were talking, very quietly and in Italian, no, in a dialect. Daddy explained that to me, in Europe most counties had their own language. They had their own version of Italian. I mean they learned the pure Italian in school but spoke a different version of it at home. So different that if you knew Italian you still couldn’t understand what they were saying.

But that was never a problem for me, I could always understand what somebody else was talking, but it wasn’t the same the other way around, I got just English!

Right then my curiosity gave in, I knew they were talking about me. And I couldn’t hear them! The sound of the dishes interfered, so I just tried harder until finally I got to hear them!

Momma was worried, she wanted to make a pasticcio, just for me! But she also wanted to go and to see her sister and play some cards. Daddy is worried about me and very much. That I’ve changed so much, well, I know that! He was also worried about Johnny, now I got even more curious, what was it with Johnny? I had to know. So I walked over to the dining room and from the door I burst.

“Momma you don’t have to do a pasticcio for me, go and have fun. Daddy, what’s with Johnny? Where is he?” Both of them jumped and looked at me surprised. Now what? What was wrong? What was it?

Suddenly I saw it! I heard them talking or something like that, it’s their thoughts what I heard! How? I was still hearing them, but there were no movements on their lips, It couldn’t be! How? Hear their thoughts? And they knew it, they just saw the freak I’ve become. Shame and panic set in, I screwed it up, they were going to get mad at me, I had to run! Just to hide, I was too ashamed! But run where? Just ended in my room, crying and hating myself, that monster I was.

They followed me to my room, but they didn’t hate me, love is all I felt. I was lost in fear, yes… now I feared myself. Momma picked me up and embraced me.

“I’m sorry momma, I didn’t know… I mean I didn’t want to… I’m sorry!”

“What are you so scared about?” She was trying really hard to protect me, to help me.

“I’m a monster, a damn freak. I can’t avoid it…”

“No you’re not! You’re home and we love you. Honey calm down and listen to me, please.”

“Momma I try so hard to avoid it! To be normal…” I broke down, my fears were out of control, but I knew I could let loose here, I felt safe again, loved… It went on for a while and I finally calmed down, like if I had washed my fears away. Like some kind of relief, the pressure was gone, I felt a lot better. But I’m so confused right now, hearing their thoughts? I’m just getting worse, one thing I notice, I’m not hearing them anymore. Why? Yeah weird! Tell me about it, weirdo boy in action once more. Why? Why me? I want to be a regular boy. I don’t want this shit…

“Nicky, come on! Calm down. Why don’t you take a shower? That will cool you off a bit.” Momma interrupted my thoughts. As if I was going anywhere with them, been here so many times, whishing to be different, normal… I can talk to daddy now! I really need to…

“Yes Nicky, you and daddy are in for a long talk, but you're a bit smelly, overdue for a good shower, now go!" Once in the shower I was thinking about how did she know? The water felt so good, just to savor all those things again. I hoped that momma would make that pasticcio she was thinking about. My biggest excitement was that I would be able to talk, to ask all those questions. After all these moths I would be able to get some answers, yes I wasn't a freak anymore or was I? There I was again, lost once more...

When I made it back downstairs, momma is busy. Yes! She was going to make that pasticcio after all! But I was sent out of the kitchen. Daddy was gone, he had to see somebody, and I ended up in the library. Not that big of a room, but the walls were covered with books, the old familiar smell of oak, leather and pipe smoke hit some memories of the time I have spent in here, in those books, letting my fantasies run wild.

I walked around touching those books, like I was greeting some old friends. Savoring the memories of our shared adventures and almost rejoicing at the prospect of a new one. Then I looked on the desk, there it was! A notebook and I knew instantly which one it was. Daddy knew! He had to read it and all my secrets are out! How many times could I screw it up in one day? Fear took over once more and roamed freely in my mind when the door opened and daddy entered. He froze as soon as he saw me.

“Nicky, bambino, what’s wrong?” I couldn’t answer, I looked at the notebook once again. I was so ashamed and scared that I couldn’t react. Those big hands took my face and made me look at him, into those warm eyes. All I saw was love, that love I’ve been longing for so long. Time stood still for me, I didn’t want it to end, I drank from those eyes. It felt all warm inside me, we were one again, everything was going to be fine and I could feel it.

I came out of that trance sitting on his lap, with no recollection of how I got there.

“I’m sorry…” I mumbled

“About what?”

“I fell asleep, I’m sorry.”

“You did not, I did.”

“You fell asleep too?”

“I made you sleep, I needed you to calm down.”

“You know…”

“The notebook you mean?” I just nodded on his chest. “It didn’t tell me much that I didn’t know, except for the wolf. That was something I also suspected, but I didn’t know exactly which one it was. Totally white?” I just nodded again. “Can you feel him?”

“He sleeps with me sometimes, I mean I can feel him that close.”

“You haven’t seen him yet?”

“How? It just a… I mean he is imaginary, isn’t he?”

“Not for you, Nicky. You have a gift, it is very powerful…”

“I don’t want it! I wann’a be normal! I’m a monster, a freak! You’ve seen it.” I started to protest.

“Nicky, don’t fight it! Use it! It won’t go away.”

“Daddy you don’t know how bad it feels sometimes when I touch somebody, specially my father. He nauseated me, just looking at him made me sick to my stomach. Add to it hearing your thoughts or momma’s, it makes me feel weird.”

“That’s because you’re not used to it. I guess that you were in the kitchen trying to hear what we were talking about, tried harder and harder until you heard us.”

“Daddy… Johnny?” I needed to know, I knew it was bad. But I needed to hear it. Daddy sighted and it took a bit.

“Johnny is gone Nicky. His dad threw him out.”

“Why?”

“Because he went to see you and what you two did, both of you got into lot of trouble.”

“Why is it bad? Daddy, how can something that feels so good be bad? Does that have to do with the other stuff? I mean, I am a freak, a fairy or something like that?”

“Hold on! You described that very good all by yourself. I know you good enough to understand you. Total love, nothing held back, why would I anyway? It is so easy when you are young. You discover your body and new feelings. Johnny loves you and you know that. Only outdone by how much you love him.”

“What’s wrong with that?” I had to protest.

“Some people don’t like that. They say it is un-natural, or go to the bible and make it look sinful. Others think it is demeaning, shameful or humiliating. A lesser of a person to describe it in some other way, half of a man instead of a whole, or a man trying to be a woman. There are plenty of circumstances that other see or apply.”

“Am I a homosexual?”

“That’s for you to figure out, you’re still young.”

“You not helping me at all. What do you think?”

“Nicky, that doesn’t matter.”

“YES IT DOES!” I lost it, I was a freak after all, he wouldn’t just say it. I also sensed his anger and frustration.

“Nicky, please?”

“I am a freak, a fucking homosexual, I’m product of perversion and fuel for the hell to burn in there for ever. Best thing to do with me is shoot me in the woods and left there to feed the animals…”

“NICKY! SHUTT UP!” He scared me, first time he yelled at me. “Calm down please, look at me.”

“Don’t put me to sleep, please.”

“I won’t! I just want to make sure you get this.” I looked in his eyes again. “You’re hurt, I know you are. You just burst with some of it. I couldn’t help you until now. I can’t undo what has been done to you or Johnny, it was and is out of my reach.”

“But you brought me back!” I had to protest again.

“I didn’t, somebody else did that. Nicky, I don’t have all the answers. There is somebody else coming to see you, once I found out who you really are, it explained a lot. A lot of people have died protecting you and that’s what I’m doing also.”

“Protecting me? From what?”

“I’m not exactly sure yet, but I don’t think you will be staying here much longer…”

“WHY?” Now I was scared.

”Nicky, you were sent here for now. That means by the time being. I don’t want you to build up false hopes, or be surprised by a move to another place. You also know that I can’t lie to you, you’ll figure that out in no time and I don’t want to hide stuff from you.”

“I wann’a stay, please daddy? I don’t wann’a leave… I need you! Please?”

“It is not in my hands son, that’s what I wanted you to know.” His feeling of resignation killed what ever hope was left in me. I just stumbled my way to my room.

I do remember my thoughts, I was garbage. Same way my father thought of me. Why couldn’t I just die? Came home for what? Just to have daddy giving me the same feelings my father did? Well! I was wrong! Then why the hell hold me here? I ain’t worth shit, why the hell bother then?

My night was a night mare. Just thanks to my brothers, no matter what I told them, they wouldn’t let go. The harder I pushed them away, the harder they would hold on to me. Down into my soul, I was grateful. At least I had some one that did like me. They didn’t care, they knew me and just loved me. No matter what I was or who I loved. Their assurance of helping me to find Johnny fell on deaf ears. I knew by sure that it wouldn’t happen. I had lost him! Just a very bad feeling in my guts.

That feeling proved right two days afterwards. I felt him! He was there! I couldn’t touch him! I couldn’t talk to him! But I could feel him there. He was there, I could feel him! It didn’t take long to reach to the conclusion that he was dead. It was the only way that I could fell him this way! It was his spirit! He came to say goodbye! If I ever felt a way to hopelessness it was at that moment, I wanted to revert, change things… Useless, too late! Done and over with! I wanted to talk! I wanted to touch! And I couldn’t! He was gone!

I don’t remember much from that night! My love was gone! Daddy was also and Mommy was going down the same way. I wanted to go… I want to join Johnny… To be with him… Wherever that was…

I know there was a lot going on that night. I just do not remember the details. I went into a frenzy, I might have said things I shouldn’t have… Point is that if there is an all time low. That was it.

I did shut down. I did not care anymore. If they spoke to me, I didn’t hear them, one thing I do remember and was a relief. That connection I had with them was gone. I was a normal boy! For the first time since I remembered, I couldn’t understand them or feel their emotions. I was free, empty, but free. It felt awkward, but wasn’t that my goal anyway?

To be normal?