Dear Diary

Prologue: Dixon's Diary


Page 1

Dear Diary,

I wonder sometimes about my mother. She gets the strangest ideas in her head. This is one of them. I'm a boy. Boys don't do diaries. Of course, I don't do much that boys do, though.

I suppose I could tell you who I am so you know who is talking, or writing to you. That sounds a little weird, but no one is going to read it but me anyway. My name is Dixon Pickhinke and I live in Monticello, Arkansas. The kids at school have nicknamed me Dixie Pixie. I don't really like it, but I guess it could be worse. They don't seem to mean anything by it, I don't think.

I hate sports; all of them. It's more than not being good at them. I don't want to be good at them. I don't understand them. All the other boys seem to like sports, but I just don't, plain and simple.

The other boys talk a lot about drinking beer when their parents don't know about it. Jessie Blankenship had beer at his birthday party. He got it from his older brother. That stuff smells worse than girls. No way would I be able to swallow that slop. YUCK!!

That's another thing; all the guys talk about girls, and how they want to kiss them, or how they have kissed them. Girls smell funny from a distance. It has to get worse as you get closer.

I guess I'm not the typical all American seventh grader. Oh well. Who would want to be as dumb as all those guys at school? None of them like me anyway. Well, that isn't entirely true. Jessie is cool. He invited me to his birthday party. I was the only kid his age that was there. The rest of the guys there were his brother's friends.

Sometimes I feel a little jealous of Jessie. He lives with his older brother, who is in college. He gets to do everything. He stays up until he is ready for bed, and he goes to the mall anytime he wants.

I get over my jealousy when I remember why he lives with his brother. His parents were murdered. Jessie's dad was a state trooper. An escaped convict broke into their house one night and killed Jessie's mom and dad. Jessie's brother shot the guy before he could hurt anyone else. I can't imagine what it would be like to kill someone even in self defense.

Jessie's been kind of a loner ever since. Nobody seems to know what to say to him. That's what they say, anyway. I don't have any trouble talking to him. I treat him the same way I did before.

Jessie told me at his party that I am his best friend. That's cool because he is mine too. Actually, he's my only friend. He's the only guy I know that doesn't make fun of me for not liking sports.

Mom said I should write anything I want to in this diary. She told me I could even put things in here that I can't talk to her about. I don't think there is anything that I couldn't talk to Mom about, though.

She told me that I might even find myself writing things in here that I'm afraid to tell myself. That's just weird. What would I be afraid to tell myself? It doesn't even make sense.

What would I have to tell myself in the first place? If I'm the one talking, then I already know what I'm going to say. Why would I have to tell myself something I already know?

Mom gets stranger by the day, I think. She loves me, though. She tells me that all the time. I love her, too. I promise to pick out a nice nursing home if she ever needs one.

Goodnight, diary.

Page 2

Dear Diary,

Something weird happened at school today. I don't know what started it, but I have to make sure it never happens again. It just can't.

I was in the showers after gym class when I noticed that Jessie kept watching me. He would look away every time he thought I could see him. I don't understand why he was looking at me, though. I was trying to figure that out when I started getting stiff….down there.

I was so embarrassed. I get that way at the worst times lately. The more I tried to hide it, and make it stop, the harder it seemed to get. One of the other guys saw it then and all hell broke loose. The guys were all yelling and making fun of me. One of them called me a fag and then it became a chant. They were all calling me that. It got even worse then. One of the guys used my nickname. He said it different than I am used to hearing it though. He said that Dixie Pixie really is a pixie. Everyone started laughing then even more than they already were.

I ran out of the shower and headed for my locker as fast as I could. Jessie followed me and told me not to let the other guys bother me. He said he had gotten hardons in the shower before, but he had left before anyone noticed. He told me that the other guys were just jealous because I was so big down there.
He had seen it too. Hearing him talk about it like that got me harder than I had been in the shower. I kept my back to him and thought about kissing Priscilla Turner. She's the ugliest girl in the whole school, maybe in the whole universe. It worked, the hardon went away, but so did Jessie.

I told Mom what happened, except for the part about it starting with Jessie looking at me. I don't know why, but I didn't want her to know about that part. I didn't tell her that they called me that word that started with f either. I thought about asking her what it meant for sure, but it had to be a bad word the way they were saying it. I wouldn't want to get Mom mad at me for saying a bad word in front of her. I guess there are some things I don't want to tell her after all.

Mom started acting really nervous after I told her. She kept looking at me funny the rest of the night. She finally did tell me that the other boys probably didn't mean to hurt my feelings. They just didn't know any better. It sure seemed like they meant it when they were chanting that word at me.

For some reason, I hadn't told her what Jessie had said about the other boys being jealous of me because I was so big, either. Mom may be my mother, but she is also a girl. I don't talk about my private places with anyone, but especially not a girl.

I don't understand that, either. I'm a boy, so I am supposed to start liking girls at some point. All the other boys seem to like girls already. Why am I so different?
The other boys in school talk about getting hardons because they looked at girls, and especially when they sneak looks at dirty magazines that they steal from their dads or older brothers. I don't feel anything at all when I look at the pictures with them.

Mom calls me a "late bloomer". I wonder if I'll ever bloom. I'm beginning to wonder if I even want to bloom.

She told me just before I came in here that she would schedule an appointment with a doctor for me to talk to about what happened today. I don't know what good that will do. How is taking my temperature and weighing me going to help me?

Goodnight, diary.

Page 3

Dear Diary,

Why is my life so messed up? The guys from the gym shower have spread rumors all over school that I am a fag. I confronted Billy Thorne since he was the first one to call me that in the shower. I asked him why he was saying that about me. He got really nasty and said if it wasn't true, then I would have to prove it.

I could only think of one way to do that. I had looked up the word and found out what it meant. I decided to go out with a girl and prove that I didn't like boys that way. I asked every girl I could think of to go out with me. The only one that would say yes was Priscilla Turner. Now I have to go on a date with the world's ugliest girl, and make out with her. I was getting sick just thinking about it.

Before the date could happen, Jessie invited me to one of his brother's college swim meets. Jason, his brother, is on the diving team. His coach wants him to try out for the Olympics, but Jason won't. He can't take Jessie with him and they have no other family that could take Jessie either.

Jason is a pretty cool guy for a college guy. Most guys his age think they're too good to talk to a kid like me. Jason's not like that, though. He talks to me all the time. He grins at me a lot, too. It's the kind of smile that says he knows something that I don't.

Is everyone over the age of eighteen weird? Maybe it's just the people I know. If that's the case, what does it say about me? I'm surrounded by weirdoes. Maybe I should worry about myself instead of them.

I'll find out what is going on, one way or another. I'm sneaky that way. Mom says I'm part cat; eaten up with curiosity. I don't think I'm that bad. I just need to know the whole story.

Sorry this is so short, but I'm still a little sick over the idea of having to kiss Priscilla. BLECH!!! There goes my stomach again.

Goodnight, diary.

Page 4

Dear Diary,

When I got to Jason and Jessie's apartment building, Jessie was waiting for me outside. He led me to his apartment and we sat on the couch for a few minutes. He finally looked at me and asked if I really wanted to go out with Priscilla.

I didn't know he even knew about the date. I couldn't lie to Jessie. I told him I would rather eat dirt than go out with Pig Face Priscilla. We both laughed about the nickname. I told him the whole truth, that I was only going out with her to prove that I wasn't a fag.

I didn't know that Jason had walked into the room behind us. He asked why I needed to prove anything to anyone. I suddenly blurted it all out. I don't really know why. I guess I kind of felt like Jason was a big brother to me as well. I told him everything. I even told him about Jessie looking at me. I hadn't planned to say that part, but it was out of my mouth before I could stop it.

Jessie blushed a little, but he kept sitting beside me. I looked over at him and apologized if I had gotten him in trouble. Jason told us that no one was in trouble. He looked directly at Jessie though, and told his brother that I had a right to know why Jessie had been looking at me.

Jessie got really nervous and coughed a few times. He finally said that he had been looking just because I was his friend. He said that he had been trying to ask me over for a sleepover for the weekend.

I told him that he didn't have to be nervous about asking me anything. He was my friend. That meant we could always talk to each other about stuff. I then suggested calling my mom about the sleepover idea.

Mom had no problems at all after she spoke with Jason and found out all the details that moms stress out over. Where would we be going? What would we be doing there? Who would watch us at the swim meet while Jason competed? When would we be back in town? Jason answered everything without a single "I don't know" or an "Umm" or "Uhh". It was really cool because I suddenly began to realize that Jason wasn't just Jessie's big brother, he was a grownup. Better than that, he was a grownup who could still be a kid sometimes.

Based on that new respect I had for him, when Jason got off the phone with my mom and told me that she was ok with the stay, I asked him about my upcoming date. How could I survive a date with someone I really didn't like? He answered like a kid and then again as an adult.

He told me at first that I should do what he does when he has a date he can't get out of with someone he doesn't like. He said that he just pretends that they are the person he wishes he was on the date with. Right after that he corrected himself and me by saying that I should not do that, though, because it isn't really fair to the other person.

Jason said that I should either tell Priscilla the truth about why I was going out with her, or call off the date. Using her to get back at someone else was unkind to her. He then told me that I should tell her the truth because she might be more understanding than I think.
I told him it wasn't so much about getting back at the other guys as it was trying to be like them. They all went out with girls. If I did too, then they wouldn't have any reason to think I was a fag, because I wouldn't be.

Jason sat down beside me and got really quiet for a minute. He finally asked me if I really thought that dating Priscilla would stop me from being gay. I had to ask him what gay meant. I knew what a fag was; but that word was new to me, at least in the context he used it. He explained that gay meant that a person liked the same sex instead of the opposite one. He then explained that people who were afraid of the difference made up words like fag to make the different people feel badly about being different.

I told him that if a guy liked guys, he should date guys. The same is true for a guy that likes girls. You can't date both, I told him, because then everyone gets confused about who you are.

Jason looked at me funny for a moment and then told me that I was wise beyond my years whatever that meant. He then repeated the question Jessie had asked me earlier. Did I want to go out with Priscilla? I knew he meant any girl. I told him the truth. I didn't know.
I saw Jessie's face when I said that. I could tell it wasn't the answer he was hoping to hear from me, but I wasn't sure which response he had wanted. I had hurt his feelings and I had no idea how to go about fixing that.

I came home a little after that. I sat in my room that night and thought about things. I want to like girls. I'm a guy and I have been taught that I am supposed to like girls. Jason talks about guys who like guys as if it's no big thing, but I don't know. I don't know any guys like that. I can't tell if I like boys like that or not, but I do know I haven't met a girl that I like that way yet.

Well, Mom says it's time for bed now. Tomorrow is D-day; D stands for date. I hope I don't throw up on Priscilla. I should be ok if I don't have to look at her too much.

Goodnight diary.

Page 5

Dear Diary,

The date didn't go nearly as bad as I thought it would. I didn't throw up on Priscilla, but not because I wasn't so nervous that I was sick to my stomach all day before we went out. I was so nervous I was shaking as I tried to eat my French Fries. Priscilla noticed and asked me if I was ok. I told her yes, but then thought about what Jason had told me. I shook my head and said no.

I told Priscilla the truth about why I had asked her out. As it turns out, she had heard about what had happened in the shower, not that I was surprised by that. The whole school knew about it, I was sure. She didn't get mad at me at all. She asked me if I was gay, though.

I yelled no. I immediately apologized. I told her I didn't know what I was, but I didn't want to be gay. I said that I was hoping she could help me find out. I was NOT ready for what she did then.

She leaned over and kissed me. She did it right on the mouth. It was my first real kiss. It was awful. I couldn't help thinking of kissing my mom's Aunt Bessie before she died.

After she stopped kissing me, Priscilla told me that I was a good kisser for someone who didn't want to kiss a girl. I asked her if she was mad. She said no because she understood. She then told me that I needed to talk to someone else before I made up my mind.

I asked her if she knew of another girl that would go out with me. She laughed and said that I didn't need to try another girl. She told me to talk to Jessie again.
I leave for the weekend at Jessie's tomorrow morning. I will talk to him while I am there. Jason says he wants me to meet someone very special. Part of me can't wait for this weekend, and part of me is scared half to death. I have to go now, before Mom says I can't go tomorrow because I stayed up too late tonight.

Goodnight diary.

Page 6

Dear Diary,

What a weekend! It was incredible. I barely remember the actual swim meet at the university at all. The rest of the weekend blew me away. Whoa! That phrase has new meaning now.

The first thing we did was go to the swim meet. The only thing I remember is that Jason won his competition. Ok, there was something else. Seeing all those college guys in their wet, tight little swimsuits made me really stiff down there.

Jessie noticed. He leaned over and whispered in my ear that I should put a program over my lap so no one else would notice. I was so embarrassed I wanted to die, but I saw that he had done the same thing.

I unfolded the paper across my lap and looked nervously back at Jessie. He just grinned and told me to look around the stands at all the other guys hiding their crotches. He was right. There were a lot of other guys of all ages doing the same thing we were. I started feeling a little better after that.

We went to a party after the meet at some guy's apartment. The whole team was there. One of the guys grabbed Jason and started kissing him on the mouth as soon as we walked in the door. Jason shoved him away and looked at me.

The other guy started apologizing and said that he had forgotten that Jessie was bringing a friend. One of the other team members yelled out that he thought I was Jessie's boyfriend so he didn't see the problem. A couple of guys near him punched him on the arms and in the side.

Jessie ran out of the room. The guy that had kissed Jason took off after him. Jason pulled me into the bedroom of the apartment.

Jason said he was sorry about what had just happened. He said he thought the guys were going to be cool about things, but he should have prepared me first.
I asked if the kiss had been a joke. He admitted that it hadn't. He said that he and Philip, the guy who had kissed him, had been lovers for about a year. I said that meant that he was gay. He nodded and asked if I was ok with that.

I asked him why the other guy thought that I was Jessie's boyfriend. Was Jessie gay, too? Jason said it wasn't his place to answer for Jessie. He looked toward the door and there stood Jessie. I could tell he'd been crying.

Jessie didn't look at me. He just stared at the floor. He finally mumbled something and Jason got up and hugged his brother, then left the room. Jessie walked a little closer, but he still wouldn't look at me.

I asked Jessie if it bothered him that Jason was gay. He told me no, but he was still looking at the floor. I asked him if he was worried that I wouldn't want to hang around him anymore because his brother was gay. This time he shook his head.

I finally reached out to him and lifted his chin in my hand. I looked into his eyes and made him look into mine. He was crying again. I told him I wanted to know why he was so upset.

He said he was afraid I would want to stop hanging around him because he was gay. I couldn't believe it. Thirty minutes ago I hadn't known anyone that was gay. Now my best friend and his older brother both tell me that they are.

Jason knocked on the door and asked if he could come in. I couldn't seem to get my voice to work, so Jessie told him it was ok. Jason told me he would take me home if I wanted to go.

I asked him if they wanted me to leave since I seemed to have screwed up the party. I didn't see the guy behind Jason. It was the guy who thought that I was Jessie's boyfriend.

He told me that he had been the one who had screwed up, not me. He said no one wanted me to go unless I was uncomfortable. He apologized to me and then to Jessie as well.

I looked over at Jessie and asked him the one thing that had popped into my head as soon as the guy had said it. Why would anyone think that I was Jessie's boyfriend? Jessie looked down at the floor again.

The loudmouth from the swim team said that as much as Jessie was always talking about me, he had just assumed that we were a couple. Jason glared at the poor guy again and he apologized once more before retreating back to the living room. Jason turned and told me not to pay any attention to the guy.

I just kept looking at Jessie. I asked him if the guy had been right. Did he talk about me a lot? He nodded slowly, while Jason answered out loud.

He told me that Jessie never stopped talking about me. He looked at Jessie who was sitting on the bed, looking like he would start crying again any second. Jason walked over and gave his little brother a big hug.

Jason told Jessie to talk to me. He said that it would be better for everyone if everything were out in the open. Jason then looked at me very seriously and asked if there was anything that Jessie could ever say that would make me hate him.

I could never imagine hating Jessie. He was my best friend. To be totally honest, he was my only friend. I wouldn't hate him even if he deliberately tried to hurt me. I told them both all of that.

Jessie finally looked up at me. He told me that he could never intentionally hurt me. He said I was his best friend, too. What he said next made me feel more confused than I had ever been in my life.

I have to go now, because Mom has been in here three times now to tell me to turn out the light and go to bed. I have to do it this time or she won't let me go back to Jessie's for a week. I couldn't go that long without…. Well, I'll have to tell you next time. Mom's glaring at me from the door.

Goodnight diary.

Page 7

Dear Diary,

Mom made me stop last night before I could finish telling you about the party, and it was just the first part of the weekend. Wait until you hear the rest of it. You won't believe it. I can hardly believe it myself and I was there.

Jessie told me something at the party that totally threw me. He looked me straight in the eye and said that he loved me. He then explained that he wished that I was his boyfriend. I knew that was what he had meant.

I was scared to death. My best friend was gay and in love with me. At the same time, I felt relieved for some reason. It was as if somewhere deep inside me a part of me that I hadn't even known was missing suddenly clicked into place.

Jessie told me that it was ok if I didn't feel the same way about him. I knew he hoped I did, though. I told him I didn't know how I felt. I said he would always be my friend though. Jessie smiled for the first time since we had gotten to the party.

That's when something really incredible happened. Jessie leaned toward me and I moved closer to him. It was just like when Priscilla and I had kissed. At least it was until our lips actually touched.

My heart was beating so fast I thought it was going to explode out of my chest. I was nervous, frightened, and excited all at once. I mean what if he thinks I am a lousy kisser. I only kissed another person once before and that was Priscilla. I wouldn't exactly say she gave me a glowing recommendation.

I remember smelling him and thinking that he smelled really good. I had been right about girls. They stunk worse the closer you got. That suddenly made me wonder if I smelled ok. What if my breath stunk or…. Just then I felt his tongue against my lips.

I wondered for a second what he was doing, but realized that if felt kind of cool, so I decided to copy the motion. When I opened my lips so my tongue could get to his lips, his tongue pushed into my mouth. I would like to say that I thought for a moment about what was happening, but there is where thought stopped. I simply reacted by instinct or something from there.

He withdrew his tongue from my mouth so I pushed mine in between his lips. The inside of his mouth was so hot. I could taste…well, I don't know how else to describe it, I could taste him. I liked it a lot. He then sucked on my tongue. Have you ever had that done? Holy Cow! That was so awesome. I couldn't believe that kissing could feel so good. Then all of a sudden, he stopped and pulled away.

I couldn't understand. Had I done it wrong? Was I bad kisser? Maybe my tongue didn't taste as good to him as his had to me. I looked at him and saw that his face was kind of red, but he was smiling just a little bit.

He said that we needed to get back out to the party and let them know that things were ok. I asked him if we were going to tell them. He wanted to know what we were supposed to tell them. He told me that everyone probably knew what we had been doing.

That made me blush for some reason. Jessie told me that I'm really cute when I blush. Of course that only made me blush more, much to his delight. He giggled at me, and I looked at him. He got serious quickly. He said he was sorry, and that he wasn't really laughing at me.

I told him that he was, but I didn't care. I hadn't heard him laugh at anyone or about anything since before his parents died. I had almost said that out loud before I realized that might hurt him. I had already said the part about not hearing him laugh, though. I tried to cover by saying in a long time. It didn't work.

He finished the sentence for me. He said that he hadn't laughed since that night. Then he told me that he thought he was ok with talking about it. He also said that I needed to know something about that night.

I told him that he didn't have to tell me anything if he wasn't really ready to say it yet. He just said that I had to know. I saw a tear rolling down his cheek as he sat there thinking about it though.

I wiped the tear away and told him that we were at a party. He could tell me what he had to say later, when we were at his house. He smiled a little at that and agreed with me. We walked back out to the living room where the other guys were. They were all standing around eating and drinking and talking until one of them spotted us.

He started cheering and clapping. The other guys turned and saw us then. They all started high fiving one another and congratulating us. It wasn't until one of them held out his hand for me to shake that I realized that when Jessie and I had walked into the room, we had been holding hands.

I had just told all of these college guys that I was gay without saying a word. They were all happy about it. Not one of them seemed to mind at all. I immediately wondered if they were all gay as well. That question answered itself as I looked around the room a little more, though.

The big mouth from earlier was over in a corner of the room with a girl and they were kissing big time. He had his hands all over her butt while they did it, too. I pointed this out to Jessie, and he just said that it looked like fun. Then he asked if we could do that later. I blushed so red and everyone around us laughed. I started to get mad, but I looked at Jessie's face as he smiled and giggled with them. I couldn't be upset when he was laughing. It had been too long since he had done that. Besides, I guess I had kind of walked right into that one.

I looked at Jessie and said loudly enough for several of the other people to hear that I hoped we did more than that later. This time he blushed as everyone laughed. When I realized what I had just done, I blushed too, which made everyone around us laugh even more.

The rest of the party went pretty much the way any party would. The difference for me was that I had never been to a party with older kids before. I would have called them grownups before I got there that night, but watching them at the party, I realized that they were still kids like me, just older. They played practical jokes on each other just like I had done with friends from school. They ate junk food like kids. They did drink beer which I still found disgusting. It made them act even more like kids, plus it made them stink just like the drink.

Finally the crowd began to thin out. Jessie and I were sitting together on the couch. I said something to him and didn't get an answer, so I turned a little to look at him. He was asleep with his head on my shoulder. I felt so cool right at that minute. I wrapped my arm around his shoulder and laid my head against the top of his. I must have fallen asleep myself because the next thing I knew I was waking up and it was dark in the room.

The sofa had been opened up into a bed and Jessie was curled up next to me with his arm across my waist. We were both still dressed. I realized that I needed to pee really badly. I eased out from under his arm and headed down the hall to the bathroom. Just as I got to it, Jason walked out of it in his underwear.

He didn't seem embarrassed at all that I was seeing him so close to naked. He told me that he hadn't wanted to wake us up, so he and Philip had just held the two of us while Donny, the big mouth, had unfolded the bed for us. He also said that he wasn't sure how I would have felt about someone else undressing me, so they had left our clothes on us. He did point out though that Jessie normally just slept in his underwear. He winked when he told me that. He walked into the bedroom then, leaving me standing in the hallway with my mouth hanging open as I stared back into the living room where Jessie was sleeping.

There's mom again, so I have to go to bed now. I'll tell you more tomorrow night.

Goodnight diary.

Page 8

Dear Diary,

After Jason went into the bedroom, I stood in the hallway for a minute or two thinking about what he had said. He had basically told me that I should undress Jessie. I was stunned. Should I? Could I? Should I? At that point I remembered that I still had to pee. I went into the bathroom, unfastened my pants and discovered that I was rock solid hard. I couldn't pee.

I tried to get it to go back down, but the mental images I was getting from thinking about undressing Jessie were not helping. I had seen Jessie in his underwear before, for that matter, I had seen him naked before in the gym shower. I hadn't gotten hard then. Well, there was that one time, but that was different. That time I had gotten that way from realizing that he was looking at me. That line of thought didn't help deflate my problem either. Finally I started thinking about Priscilla and my kiss with her. I tried to picture undressing her. Not only did my dick go down, but my supper nearly came up.

I went back to the living room where Jessie was still sleeping on the sofa bed. I stood beside the bed for I don't know how long just looking at him. I know I have said all along how I've been friends with Jessie since before his parents died, and I've seen him changing in the gym and even naked in the showers. The thing is I realized at that moment that I had never really paid attention to what he looked like.

I looked down at the bed where he was laying on his side and I really looked at him. I actually paid attention to the dirty blond hair that is the perfect shade somewhere between blond and brown. I could remember it being platinum blond when we were little kids. He had stopped parting it on the side after his parents died. I kind of missed that hairstyle on him. I know it was a little kid's style, but it looked good on him. It brought out his icy blue eyes.

I thought about the fact that since the night his parents died, Jessie's eyes had looked different. They had lost the sparkle and mischief I had been used to seeing in them. Now they were almost a dull gray color sometimes. I hadn't really seen him cry about what had happened, but of course I had never stayed over at his house, or at least spent the night with him before. Technically I guess you couldn't call this staying over with him, since we weren't at his house; we were at his brother's boyfriend's apartment.

I realized as I moved closer to the bed that Jason and Philip had at least taken our shoes and socks off for us. I naturally found this out by stubbing my toe on the frame supporting the bed. My first thought was not for my toe, but whether I had awoken Jessie. He moaned softly and twisted a little on the bed, but didn't wake up.

When Jessie had twisted around on the bed, his shirt had ridden up so I could see some of his stomach. His belly button was exposed. I had never had a thought like this before, and I have no idea where the idea came from, but I suddenly decided that I wanted to kiss his belly button. I realized how weird that was, but the longer I stood there, the more I wanted to do it. I found myself leaning over the bed getting closer and closer all the time.

I could smell Jessie again. I took a deep breath this time taking the opportunity to really think about what I was doing. I was getting into some pretty strange and definitely new territory. I had never thought about a boy in the way I was thinking of Jessie at that point. For that matter, I hadn't thought of anyone in that way before. I never stopped to think about what I wanted before, just what I didn't want. I didn't want to do things with a girl. I knew that and had for a long time.
What if I was just acting this way because I didn't want to hurt Jessie's feelings? Maybe I didn't really like boys the way he did. I could be just doing this to make him feel better. That's when it dawned on me. Jessie wasn't awake to want anything from me right then, yet there I was an inch away from kissing his belly button. I wasn't there because he wanted it. I was there because I wanted to do it. I drew away from him for a second as I processed that thought and what it meant.
I was about to kiss a boy's belly button while he was asleep. That is not something normal boys do. The other guys at school would not do something like that. Did that mean that I was gay like Jessie and his brother? With that question came another. Aren't gays supposed to be bad people? The way that everyone talks about them, I would have to say yes. Jason and Jessie weren't bad people though. They were my best friends.
Did I want to be gay? No. Did I want to be with Jessie and maybe do things with him like kiss him again? Yes I did. Whatever that made me, I would live with it. The memory of his kiss told me that whatever was going on between us couldn't possibly be as bad as people said it was. Being bad never felt that good before. Nothing ever felt that good before.

With my mind now settled, I looked back at Jessie lying there sleeping, and leaned forward again to touch my lips to his cute little outie belly button. I should have looked at his face instead of his belly button. Just as my mouth made contact with his stomach, he screamed. It wasn't a scream of pleasure like I was tickling him or something either. This was a scream of terror and pain. It was the most awful sound I have ever heard.

Jason and Philip came running out to the living room. Jason jumped onto the bed and grabbed Jessie in a tight hug. He was still screaming and I could see tears on his face. Philip must have realized that I was getting really scared because he came over and hugged me from behind.

Philip whispered in my ear that it was ok. He said that Jessie had been having nightmares ever since that night. They had thought maybe they were finally over since he hadn't had one in several weeks. The stress from earlier must have triggered this one.

Jason was sitting on the bed holding Jessie and rocking back and forth with him like he was a baby. He was rubbing Jessie's back and making soothing sounds which finally got Jessie to stop screaming. He opened his eyes and saw Jason, but instead of relaxing, he started crying. He kept asking why. I didn't understand what he meant.

Suddenly Jessie turned and looked at me. He got really pale and started apologizing over and over. He was about to have an asthma attack or something he was so upset. I got onto the bed beside Jason and took Jessie's hand in both of mine. I told him that he had nothing to be sorry about. Everyone has nightmares now and then. Jessie looked at me with the saddest face I have ever seen and told me that it wasn't nightmares, it was memories.

Awww man, there's mom again. I've got to get my bedtime extended.

Goodnight diary.

Page 9

Dear Diary,

Jessie didn't explain what he meant about memories right away. I didn't think anything of that, though. I just figured he meant that he was remembering that night. I was right, but it turns out there was a whole lot more that only a couple of people know about. Jessie told me that he wanted to tell me about that night. I tried to explain that he didn't have to tell me, but he insisted.

Philip brought Jessie a little pill and a glass of water to help him calm down. After he took it, Jason asked if Jessie wanted him and Philip to go back to bed or stay for a little bit. Jessie wanted them to stay if they didn't mind. Philip told him that they didn't mind at all, but asked me if it was ok if he got into the bed beside me.
I had realized that he and Jason were in their underwear, but I hadn't actually seen Philip. I looked at him then and saw that he wasn't wearing boxers. He was in something tiny. It made the Speedos that they had worn at the swim meet look huge. This thing barely covered his thing, and it had no back to it, just a string that was tucked into his butt crack. I must have looked a little too long because Jason reached over and turned my head back toward him and Jessie. He told me to keep my eyes on my own boyfriend, but he was grinning when he said it, so I knew he wasn't mad or anything.

I apologized to Jessie first. He just kind of smiled a little and said he would have been looking too if he had the chance. Jason playfully smacked his little brother on the head and said that he had seen Philip first. We all giggled a little bit, but the mood turned serious again after that.

Jessie asked me what I knew about what had happened at his house the night his parents died. I explained that I had been told that an escaped criminal had broken into the house to kill them all and that Jason had shot him to save his and Jessie's lives.

Jessie took a deep breath and told me that what I had heard wasn't exactly accurate. Jason had killed the man, but there was more to the story. He then said that I had a right to know the truth.

First of all, the man had not broken in exactly. He had been invited, sort of. I must have looked confused at this because Jessie continued to explain. He had been talking to someone online and had told them he wished they could meet in person. He thought he had been dealing with a kid our age. It wasn't. The man was older than Jessie's parents.

Late one night, the man showed up at Jessie's house. Jessie's parents had gone to bed, but it was a Saturday night, so he had been allowed to stay up a little longer. There was a knock on the door. Jessie answered the door and saw the man standing there. He didn't know who it was until the guy started talking about things they had said online. Jessie tried to shut the door in the man's face, but the adult was too strong. He forced his way in as he told Jessie that was no way to treat someone he had invited to his home.

Jessie told the guy that he had never invited him, but the man didn't listen. He pointed out that Jessie and he had talked online about meeting in person. Jessie told him that was when he thought he was talking to another kid. The man said that age didn't matter and that it was still him on the inside. He then grabbed Jessie and said that now he was going to get inside Jessie. Jessie cried out and his father came out to see what was going on. The man pulled a knife from somewhere and threw it at Jessie's dad. It went into his throat. His mom came out, started screaming, and the guy took a gun this time and shot her.

He dragged Jessie into his bedroom and threw him on the bed. He took the knife out of Jessie's dad's throat and used it to cut Jessie's clothes off. Jessie was so frightened from having seen both of his parents die he just lay there as the man fondled him and talked about how much fun they would have.

Jessie started crying again at that point and Jason took over telling me about that night. He had been out on a date with Philip that night, and had just got home when he heard Jessie scream. He rushed into the house to see his parents lying in the hallway. The gun that the guy had used to kill their mom was lying on the floor of the hall near her. Jason picked it up and carefully made his way to Jessie's room. He looked in and saw Jessie naked on the bed with the man hovering over him about to rape him. He fired once and nailed the guy in the head.

Jessie was crying hard and saying that it was all his fault. He kept saying that he should have died too. I grabbed his face in my hand and made him look at me. I told him he had better not ever say that again. I then told him that I loved him. I said that if that made me gay, then I was gay. I leaned forward and kissed him then. He asked me if I really meant it. He said that I should be sure. If I didn't want to be around someone who killed his parents he would understand.

I told him not to ever say that again either. I told him that he didn't kill his parents. He was not responsible for some psycho pervert that lied to him. Jason agreed with me and said that he had been trying to explain that to Jessie ever since that night.

I looked Jessie right in the eyes and told him that as near as I could see he had only made a mistake. I then corrected myself and said there were two mistakes. He asked me what they were.

I said the second mistake was talking to someone online and telling them where he lived. His dad and the teachers at school had all taught him better than that. He looked like he was about to cry again, but he didn't. He asked what the first mistake had been. I told him his first mistake had been that he hadn't kissed me a long time ago. I then leaned forward and kissed him again. When we stopped, I told him that if he had done that before he started talking to people online, he wouldn't have had to turn to the Internet for a boyfriend.

He sat up a bit when I said that. He asked me nervously if that meant that I wanted to be his boyfriend. I told him that the big mouth guy from earlier thought I already was. Who am I to disappoint all Jessie and Jason's friends? Jessie dove out of Jason's lap onto me in a really tight hug. He was kissing all over my face and saying thank you over and over. He finally kissed me on the lips and we each started getting more into it. When we finally came up for air, I noticed that Jason and Philip had disappeared.

I pointed this out to Jessie and he just smiled and said that was good. He didn't want to have an audience anyway. He then leaned in for another kiss. I didn't mind at all, but I wanted to do something else first.

I pulled away from him for a second and told him that I wanted to do something again now that he was awake. He looked at me funny and asked what I meant about him being awake. I confessed to him that I had kissed his belly button earlier, blushing so bad as I told him. He giggled a little and told me that I could kiss anything I wanted as long as it wasn't another boy. He then grabbed the tail of his shirt.

I thought he would just pull it up a little. He surprised me by taking it completely off. I just sat there staring at his chest as if I had never seen it before. He reached over to me and rubbed the tail of my shirt in his fingers. He then asked if he could see me.

I grinned and said I would show him mine if he showed me his. He grinned too and said that in that case I was already behind. I grabbed my shirt and practically ripped it off over my head. I asked him if that was better. He just nodded as he stared at me.

His hand moved toward my bare chest and hovered just an inch away from my skin. He looked up at me questioningly. I nodded as I said that I wanted to touch him too. He took my hand in his and placed it on his stomach. I felt like my fingers were on fire, but it was a pain that felt good, if that makes any sense.

I rubbed my hand across his chest and stomach for a minute or two. I couldn't get over the fact that I was in bed with a boy and was touching him. I would have liked to do more, but the stress of the day plus the little pill was just too much for Jessie. I looked up at his face and saw that he was asleep again.

I thought about undressing him. Boy did I think about that. In the end, though, I realized that I was just about as tired as he was. I lay down next to him and pulled the covers over us. He rolled toward me and wrapped an arm over my chest. I lay my arm across his body and we were soon both fast asleep.

Mom let me stay up a little later tonight since I don't have school tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day the parents meet with the teachers to hear about how we are doing in school. I even talked her into letting me spend the day with Jessie since he will be all alone at their apartment. I can hardly wait. Private time with my boy is a good thing.

Goodnight diary.


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