Finding My Way Home

"Try these on," I said, indicating the sweats I had found.  "It's a drawstring waist, so they should fit okay there.  We'll have to roll up the legs a bit."

"I'll look like a dork," Derek whined.

"Well, you certainly can't wear your dirty stuff," I reminded him.  "I wouldn't advise going like you are, either.  Now put the clothes on, you little exhibitionist," I said, as I playfully slapped his naked ass on my way out of the room.

A few moments later a very small looking boy emerged from the spare room.  The blush on his face only helped to reinforce the image of a little kid playing dress up in daddy's closet.  The pants and t-shirt engulfed Derek's small frame.  The shirt hung nearly to his knees, and the pants were so baggy that he looked more like a six year old than a sixteen year old.  He had corrected me about his age on the way home.  I had to fight the smile that wanted so desperately to break free across my face.

"Brendan will think you are adorable, Derek," I assured the nervous teen.  "He is so impatient to see you he won't even notice what you're wearing."  We walked out of the apartment and got back into my car.  We put the top up this time as the dusky twilight blanketed the sky.  We were both a little excited at the realization of what we were doing.  Derek was going to the arms of his lover, Brendan, and I went to the arms of mine, Edan.  At some point during the ride, Derek's hand found mine and squeezed lightly.  I glanced over and saw the tears in his eyes.

"He's all right, Derek," I whispered confidently.  "The doctor said you had taken good care of him.  He just needed more than you could do for him."  Derek snuggled up close to me and I put my arm around him and hugged him tightly.

"When can I get him out of there?"

"We will ask the doctor when we get inside," I answered as we pulled into the parking lot of the hospital.  When we got inside, I took Derek directly to the room and was surprised to find that Edan was still there.  They seemed to be getting along better now.  Strange looks kept passing between them, convincing me that something had happened during my absence.  They never said anything, however.  I determined to ask Edan about it later.

Brendan and Derek fell into each other's arms as soon as they saw one another.  They shared a long, passionate kiss and had obviously forgotten that they were not alone.  Edan coughed loudly when he saw the nurse headed for the room.  The boys flew apart, blushing hotly.  The nurse pretended not to notice, at least for a moment.

"It's time for another pain shot, Brendan.  Do you want Derek to help you roll over?" she asked matter-of-factly.

"Don't we need to leave the room?" Derek asked, and then realized that she had called him by name.  "How did you…?"

"Honey, he ain't got nothing you ain't seen up close and personal already."  She paused and watched their shocked looks take form.  She then grinned at Brendan and said, "You talk in your sleep, sweetie."  Brendan immediately turned shades of red that I never knew existed.

"You called my name, Bren?" Derek asked, blushing and grinning at the same time.

"Called it, screamed it, moaned it, you name it," the nurse answered for him.  She looked up then and saw the look of concern on my face as well as Edan's.  "Don't worry, guys.  I tell no tales other than my own.  I do know of a doctor that may be able to help you out with a few things.  I could speak to him if you would like." 

"What do you mean?"  I asked suspiciously.  I was afraid she was going to suggest a treatment plan to cure them of their gayness.

"Well, I just feel that there are some issues that the boys need to be educated about if they are going to live an active gay lifestyle."

"Now look, lady…" Edan began with a low growl.

"Gentlemen, please don't misunderstand me.  I am not making any judgments here," the nurse said quickly. "I just thought that the boys might have some questions or need some more knowledge about the life they're stuck with.  You see, my son was gay.  Adrian, the doctor you would be seeing, was his doctor."

I wasn't sure about this, but the boys warmed right up to the idea.  In fact, Derek insisted on seeing the doctor.   He was so open and honest.  I was so very proud of him.  He showed no signs of the shyness I had had at his age.  The nurse then gave me the papers to sign for Brendan's release and we left for home.

Brendan wanted to ride in the convertible while he was conscious and could enjoy it this time, and of course, Derek stayed glued to his side.  That left Edan driving home alone.  He pouted like a little boy because no one wanted to go with him in his ratty old truck.  He was still playing it to the hilt when we got to the apartment.

He was so cute when he did that with his lip. The bottom one poked out and hung down so sensuously. I found I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. I suddenly realized that I had seriously neglected the man of my dreams while being obsessed by the boys and their future and safety.  Well, they were safe now, and it was the immediate future that I was thinking of.  I would take care of my man and his needs, and mine, tonight.

We ate a quick supper of delivery pizza and watched a tape of Star Wars.  We all agreed that Han Solo and Luke Skywalker should have ditched the princess and had themselves a good old time in the backseat of the Millennium Falcon.  The boys grew steadily quieter as the movie progressed though.  I finally looked over at their end of the couch and couldn't help but smile.

Derek and Brendan lay against one another at the far end of the sofa, both sound asleep.  Their hands were locked together by their intertwined fingers.  They each had a soft smile on their lips, and were snoring like the purring of little kittens.  They looked so innocent and vulnerable.  Edan noticed them and must have thought something along the same lines.

 "How they can look so precious after all they have been through, I will never know," he whispered into my ear.  He and I were snuggled up together in an enormous overstuffed recliner across from the boys.  I am sure he wondered why I had decided to sit with him instead of on the couch, but he wasn't about to complain.

 "What they have been through is behind them now," I replied.  "I mean they're teenagers.  They live in the moment.  Besides, I'm going to make sure that they have more good moments than bad from now on."  I sat and smiled at the sleeping angels for a moment more before speaking again.  "Would you help me get them to bed?"

 "They're big boys, Cammy," Edan grumped.  "Wake them up and tell them to go."

 "Edan, that's mean!" I exclaimed.  "They have been traumatized enough.  They need some TLC now."  I got up and, as gently as possible, lifted Derek into my arms and carried him into the bedroom.  Edan followed right behind with Brendan.  We slipped the boys' shoes off and pulled the comforter over them, then left the room.

 "That's twice in one day that I've carried that boy.  He'd better not gain any weight if this is to become a habit," Edan said, as he collapsed back into the recliner.

 "Grump and gripe, gripe and grump," I playfully goaded as I sat seductively on Edan's lap.  I added a few motions I remembered from seeing a lap dancer in a movie once.  Then I got still and asked, "What do you mean, twice?"

 "He had to go to the bathroom at the hospital," Edan explained.  "With that ankle and a messed up arm, he couldn't manage alone.  I had to carry him to the bathroom and hold him up while he went."

 "You held his…" I gasped.

 "No!  I held him around the ribs," Edan defended.  "He had to lean against me though.  My oh my oh my."

 "What?" I questioned.

 "Well, he wasn't wearing anything under the hospital gown," Edan continued to explain.  "The kid has a butt to die for, and he is hung like a bull."

 "Edan!" I exclaimed in feigned shock.  "I thought you didn't touch it."

 "Well, I couldn't help but notice," Edan shrugged as innocently as he could manage.  "His bare ass was grinding against my crotch while he tried to stand up."

 "Did you get all hot and bothered?" I whispered softly into his ear.  I brushed my hand across Edan's already prominent package.  "I could take care of that for you."  Edan moaned as I slid out of his lap onto the floor, kneeling in front of him.

I rubbed my hands on the insides of Edan's thighs, from his knees up to the throbbing bulge.  I could feel Edan's manhood straining for release from the confines of the zipper.  I leaned forward and planted a kiss on my soon to be lover's stomach and then unzipped the jeans.

 "Are you sure you want to do this?"  Edan interrupted me by cupping my face in his hands and tilting it up so that he could lock eye contact.  The other night we had come back to my place and had some fun, but it was rather one sided.  He wouldn't let me reciprocate anything he did because he said he was thanking me for protecting him from the mugging.

 "I want this," I demanded huskily, while reaching in the open fly to grasp Edan's swollen member in a viselike grip.  "I have never wanted anything so much in my life."

Just at that moment, a sound came from the bedroom.  Short, panting moans followed by repetitive little screams echoed through the apartment.  The mood was instantly lost for both of us.  Our eyes widened as our ears were filled with the beauty of young love being realized only a room away.  We both began laughing at the spectacle of carrying the overwrought boys to bed.

 "Oh, yeah, they were traumatized," Edan said sarcastically, still laughing.  I smiled and shook my head.

 "I told you they needed some TLC," I replied with a shrug.  More screams and squeals erupted from behind the bedroom door.  "Boys do make noise, don't they?"

 "We could go to my place," Edan suggested.  "That way we could all have a little more privacy."  Immediately his face fell.  "I'm sorry, Cammy.  I said I wasn't going to push you.  I want you only when you're ready for it."

 "Well, I have just one thing to say to that, mister," I said, standing up with my hands on my hips.  "Get out!"

 "What?" Edan stammered.  His eyes grew wide in shock and confusion.

 "I'm serious, Edan.  I want you out of my house," I began sternly, but I saw the fear begin to take over in the big man's eyes.  My mock anger melted into shame and regret.  I grabbed Edan around the chest and hugged him tightly.  "You can't let me in your place if you're still here," I explained softly, and then kissed my intended lover with all the passion and desire I had.  "I have dreamed of being with a man my whole life.  The moment I first saw you, I knew I wanted that man to be you.  I want to love and be loved by you."

 "I do love you, Cameron," Edan whispered in return.  "Let me make love to you, tonight."

 "Let me tell the boys that we will be at your place, and I will be right there," I agreed.  "Will we need any... supplies?" I asked, hoping my voice wasn't as shaky as my nerves.

 "No, I already have everything," Edan confessed.  "I bought it the night I met you."

"Pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?" I teased.

 "No, not at all."  Edan shuffled and looked at the floor, then lifted his face to mine, locking our eyes.  "I am just very hopeful.  I have been alone a long time."

 "Are you a virgin to this, too?" I asked cautiously.  I didn't want to offend, but naturally I wanted to know.

 "Me?" Edan laughed.  "I am hardly a virgin."  He suddenly grew very serious.  "I did gay porn films for 15 years.  My partner and I split up twenty years ago.  He liked that lifestyle.  I didn't.  I should have told you before, but…." I cut him off there.

 "You mean to say that you haven't had sex in twenty years?" I exclaimed.

 "Not with anyone other than myself," he admitted.

I was stunned.  I couldn't imagine going that long in abstinence.  Sex with my wife was infrequent and unsatisfying, but it certainly beat none at all.  I told him exactly that.  I then confessed that I had always wanted sex with another guy, but I'd never acted on it.

 "I know how to go slow and easy, love," Edan whispered as he hugged me tightly.  "It will be better that way, for both of us."  He noticed the silence from the bedroom about the same time I did, and said, "Here's your chance to tell the boys."

 "Yeah, better to interrupt afterglow than…." I began, but I fell quiet myself as I heard noise once more in the bedroom.

 "Round two," Edan finished for me.  "Ah, the vitality of youth," he said with a smile as he left for his place. 

 "Boys, Brendan, Derek," I called as I gently knocked on my bedroom door.  Sudden silence was my answer.  "I will be at Edan's place tonight.  I trust you to take care of things here.  I'm not expecting anyone to call.  If you need me, though, Edan's number is programmed in the memory of the phone.  Just punch one."  I paused then added, "The clean sheets are in the bathroom closet, with the towels."  I heard muffled giggles as I turned away from the door. 

 "Thanks, Dad," Derek called.  He didn't say it with any sarcasm or humor either.  He seemed happy to call me dad.  It was so good to hear.  I felt a warmth envelope me not unlike the hug I had received from him earlier.  I must have still been smiling when I got to Edan's place.

"What's got you so bright and cheerful?" he asked with a grin.

"What do you mean?" I returned.

"I'm not sure what it is, but you seem to be awfully happy about something."

"You don't suppose it could be the man I am planning to spend the night with, do you?" I asked him as I took his hands in mine.  "You ignite fires in me that have been smoldering all of my life.  I want you, Edan.  Make my dreams come true, my lover."

"Let me show you how much I love you, Cammy," he whispered hoarsely.  "Let me join the passion I feel for you with the desire you have for me."  His voice was raw with emotion as he led me to his bedroom.

There were a thousand thoughts running through my mind now that I was alone with the man I love.  I smiled warmly as I realized how easily that phrase came to me.  I do love Edan.  I love him more completely, more passionately…just more, more than anything or anyone in my entire life.  He is the center of my existence.  My every waking moment is consumed with thoughts of him.  My every dream revolves around him.

He suddenly stopped, looked at me, and said bashfully that he wanted to get ready for our night.  He even blushed.  I had never seen him do that before.  It made me love him all the more to know that he was just as nervous as I was.

"I will take a quick shower," he continued.  "You can make yourself at home."

An idea sprang to my mind from a trashy romance novel I had read once.  It had been one of those dollar store paperbacks that lonely, unfulfilled old women read at the Laundromat.  The main character had been trying to seduce the straight-laced minister's son.  She snuck into the bathroom while he was in the shower and got in the shower with him.  Needless to say it worked for her.  I decided to see what it would do for me.

I listened as the water started and tried the door handle.  As I expected it was unlocked.  Edan was single, he was probably not accustomed to having to close the door, much less lock it.  I stripped down hurriedly, leaving my clothes on the chair in the living room.  I considered just dropping them on the floor outside the bathroom, but didn't want to trip over them getting to the bedroom later.

I entered the bathroom and stood for a moment thinking about what I was doing.  I hadn't taken a shower with another guy since my freshman year of high school in gym class.  That thought brought memories of fantasizing about the naked boys all around me.  It convinced me that I was doing what I had wanted to do nearly all my life.  I pulled the curtains to the side and stepped in.

"Geez, you scared me half to death!" Edan shouted.  "What are you doing?"

Instantly, my bravado was gone.  I was reduced to stammering and stuttering like the frightened, nervous little boy I felt inside.  I could feel myself blushing and fought the beginnings of tears.  I reached for the curtain to step out of the shower, but Edan stopped me.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.  "I want this to be the most perfect night for you.  I guess I messed that up though.  I'll wait for you, or go home, or whatever you want me to do."

"Tonight is perfect for me, babe.  I am spending it with you," Edan said as he began to caress my face with his wet soapy hands.  "I want it to be perfect for you.  I want you to always remember your first time with good memories. I'm sorry I yelled.  You just caught me off guard, that's all."  He paused, and looked at me as if only then realizing that I was naked in the shower with him.  He let his eyes travel downward, studying my body.  "You are more beautiful than I ever dared dream."

"Really?" I squeaked.  "You think I'm beautiful?"

"No, I know you are," Edan corrected.  "You are so smooth.  Do you shave?"

"Well, of course I shave," I told him.  "Every three days or so, at least.  I can't picture myself with a beard."

"I meant your chest, silly.  Do you shave your body?" Edan explained.

"No, I barely have to shave my face," I told him.  "I have Native American in my family tree several generations back.  I didn't get great skin tone; I couldn't have chiseled features; no, I had to be stuck with no body hair."  I was babbling and I knew it, so I stopped talking at all.

"None?" Edan questioned, his eyes lowering seductively.  "Oh my!  Blade has a thicker bush than you, and he's not even halfway through puberty."

"I'm sorry I disappoint you," I murmured.

"Would you stop saying that?" Edan scolded gently.  "Stop saying you're sorry all the time.  You can't help your genetic structure.  Besides, I didn't say it bothered me.  I find it very erotic actually.  I like my men smooth, really.  You are beautiful; you are perfect."  He paused for a moment, and then added, "You are huge."

His hands slid down from my face, along my neck to my bare chest, and then his left went back up to my shoulders, while his right dropped lower.  He leaned towards me, pinning me against the tile as he began to kiss me.  I gasped as much from the electricity of his touch on my skin as the cold of the wall on my back.  Being cold natured at the best of times, the drop in temperature was more of a shock than the passion of our lips.  I began to shiver, and worse, to shrink.

"Oh, honey, are you cold?" Edan asked me.  I nodded while shaking.  "Here, step under the water."  He realized too late that the hot water had run out.  He reached behind me to turn the shower off, taking advantage of the opportunity to grasp my wet butt cheeks and give a little squeeze.  He stepped out of the tub and grabbed a towel and briskly rubbed me dry, before taking another towel to himself.  "I know what will warm you up," he said with a gleam in his eyes.

Edan led me to the bedroom door.  As I followed him inside, I made an audible gasp.  I was awestruck by the beauty and elegance of my surroundings.  Delicate oriental floral prints and lettering graced the walls.  Glistening statues of jade were set around the room.  An intricate copper and bamboo fountain occupied one corner.  In the center of one wall was an elevated platform that supported an enormous mattress, shrouded by silk curtains hung from the ceiling.

"Do you like it?" Edan asked nervously, following my gaze around the room.

"It is beautiful, so peaceful, and relaxing," I told him.  "It's like being back in Japan.  I have wanted to have a bedroom like this ever since I got back to the States, but could never afford it."

"Well, some of this dates back to my previous career," he pointed out.  "Some of it was either given to me, or purchased at garage sales and flea markets.  But a few things, like the bed, I built myself."

"You made the bed?" I asked.

"First thing this morning," Edan quipped with a cheesy grin.  I groaned as if in pain.

"Smartass.  I thought you were going to warm me up, not make fun of me," I told him. 

I had been fascinated by the patch of long, curly black and white hair on the center of his chest since I had stepped into the shower with him.  I reached out tentatively to run my fingers through it.  This time Edan groaned, but in unmistakable pleasure.

He led me to the bed and pulled back the drapes and the comforter.  He took the towel from around me and laid me back on the mattress.  He then stepped back for a second and smiled.

"You are so beautiful," Edan whispered.  "I never thought I would feel this way again."  A tear came to his eye as he continued.  "I have been alone for so long that I became content to stay that way.  Then I walked past your door and saw you.  My resolve melted and so did my heart."  He paused for a deep breath before continuing.  "My heart belongs to you now.  I can never live without you.  I know I promised not to push you, Cameron, but I have to tell you how I feel.  I need to…"

"You need to shut up," I finished for him.  Edan looked at me in a mixture of fear and shock.  "I know how you feel about me.  You need to know how I feel about you."  I stopped to think of the best way to put it, but those famous three little words seemed the most appropriate.  "I love you," I told him.  "There is no doubt in my mind that you are my destiny.  You are the part of my soul that has always been missing."

Edan crossed to me and enveloped me in a hug that threatened to crush my ribs.  I embraced him just as fiercely.  We stood there holding one another as our lips met.  Our bodies took over automatically as the waves of our desire and pleasure washed through us.

He took command of the moment and possession of my body as he began to kiss and caress me all over.  He started with my face, kissing each eyelid softly, while gently rubbing my cheeks.  His lips laid a trail to my left ear where he alternately nibbled and sucked on the lobe before crossing back to my right ear.

He paused on the way to lick, and then kiss my nose.  I suppressed a giggle at the tickle of his mustache.  His hands moved down to massage my shoulders.

"You are so tense, Cammy," he whispered into my ear as he probed it with his hot, wet tongue.  "Is something wrong?" he asked, feigning innocent concern.

"Not that I can think of."  The stupidity of my response hit me instantly.

"You stopped to think about it?" Edan asked incredulously.

"No," I answered honestly.

Edan took his left hand and began making circular rubbing motions on the middle of my forehead.  Suddenly, he slapped the spot lightly.  "Goofy," he said with a laugh.

My mouth dropped open in surprise at his rebuff.  He took advantage of the opportunity for our tongues to dance together again.  His hands caressed their way down my arms.  When his fingertips touched mine, our hands interlocked.  He trailed his kisses down to my neck.  I arched my body into his touch like a cat being rubbed.

"Oh, Cameron, I love you," he whispered, as I snuggled against him and kissed his neck sometime later in the bed.

"I hope so," I returned.  I felt as if I were actually glowing after having lost my virginity to the most wonderful man in the world.  "I belong to you now, mind, heart, body, and soul.  I am completely yours," I told him happily.

"Just as I am yours," Edan echoed.  He wrapped his arms around me tightly, and within minutes we were both sound asleep.

I had forgotten the one thing I had enjoyed about being married.  I loved sleeping next to someone.  I didn't need a security blanket; I just needed to love and be loved by someone.  The difference this time was that I felt it was more real.  Somehow, sleeping next to Edan that night made me feel like I was truly home at last, where I really belonged.

I awoke once in the middle of the night and realized that I was not on top of Edan any more.  At some point, I had slid off to his side and was tucked into his arm.   It was the most comfortable place I had ever known.  I knew without a doubt that I had never felt so peaceful in my mother's arms as a child.  For the first time in my long history of insomnia, I went right back to sleep.